Okay, I need to word vomit.
I am so hurt I can't even describe it right now. I feel like a baby cause I all I want to do is cry about it and scream. I don't feel like I fit in here. I know everyone feels that way, but I feel that way every single day and it is all coming to a head now. As immature as it sounds, I will be so happy to get away from here. I will miss my true, close friends and my dad, but other than that I am content leaving it all behind.
I feel like my Savior and some few people are the little who know what I go through on a daily basis. Here in the Bible Belt I am chastised because I am an evolutionary scientist, moderate feminist, not quick to have a family, and socially liberal when concerning some political ideas. Religious people are constantly questioning my intentions, if I love my God, if I love my Church, if I love my Prophets, if I value traditional values, if I love my Gospel, and if I am worthy even if they don't say it to may face all the time. It doesn't matter how many times I bear my testimony in all places, declare the Gospel, always live the Physical Gospel or try my best to always be considerate of others beliefs. The fact I am not a traditional female Latter Day Saint in many senses will always haunt me.
Yet on the other hand I lost my family's respect and trust to become a Latter Day Saint because I knew it was right. I lost some friends too. Many colleges in research and education call me a fool for believing in God and being a Mormon. They question my scientific practices and knowledge because of it. People from day one have torn me down for making that decision. It kills me having that much opposition, but I believe in the The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Days Saints and no matter what I will not fold.
Do many know what it is like to be sometimes hated and often considered a fool by several in all circles of life? I never get away from it whether I am at home, school, work or at play. I am 100% Latter Day Saint and 100% percent scientist, but many in both groups make me out to be 20% in each given.
Almost all people respect my husband Derrick. I can't help getting this feeling that some people in the Church wonder how we puts up with me and wonder why he married me. I could be totally off base with that, but it is how I feel. The fact is he married me because he wanted someone who was strong minded, puts high value in education (not just supporting it, but doing it), and their main goal wasn't just to get married and have kids (noting there is nothing wrong with that if that is your goal and you do it well). He has told me that several times. He thinks much like I do. He is a scientist too. We don't agree on everything, but he respects me even if he doesn't agree or understand. He goes as far to sincerely support all my scientific endeavors even if he doesn't agree or understand. He is my pillar. Derrick knows at the end of the day no matter what I discover or question that I love him and my Heavenly Father unconditionally.
I know I inadvertently, minorly bashed my Church and scientific individuals here. But I must make known I love my Church with all my heart. Yes, sometimes messages portrayed by the general populous and people in it are less than perfect many times, as am I, but the message of the Gospel is perfect. It seems so conflicting just because we fully don't understand it yet. Same with science. Sometimes principles don't make sense to us at the time, but that doesn't mean they are indefinitely any less true. The same God who made this whole world and all the people in it used the same science we are discovering today to do it. The concepts are just a little over our head yet. Scientists are begrudged with the fact religious people aren't willing to listen to, in my mind, God's story through science. This often causes a disdain for religion. They see perfect handiwork and people blatantly discount it or chastise the ones who discovered it. It has been happening for centuries and the bad blood runs deep.
Anyways. Done for now. I am so blessed, but sometimes the bad has this overwhelming emotional weight!
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
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7 comments:
http://mormonscientist.org/
You should read this book! It's about Henry B. Eyring's Grandpa who was a Scientist and Mormon just like you!
You can download a PDF of one chapter for free to see if you like it. I think it will help you and I wouldn't worry about people that don't agree with you. They are just ignorant. I myself am ignorant in some things until I experience them myself and then come to realize I was wrong for the way I treated a person in the same circumstances.
Most people don't realize that our beloved Henry B. Eyring's Grandfather was a great scientist and also a faithful Mormon. It is possible to be both. Don't feel bad and yes, it sucks living in the Bible belt, they suffer from lack of education, it is hard for their little brains to accept new ideas...lol. Be yourself! Everyone else is taken!
P.S. I deleted my 1st posting b/c of a typo that didn't make sense...lol.
haha, sorry, I just read your earlier post, you know about the book, I'm glad you loved it! It's always nice to know you're not alone.
Excellent post! I just wanted you to know that I've never questioned your testimony. The decision to have kids is an EXTREMELY personal matter between you, your husband, and your Heavenly Father. No one should judge you because you do not have kids...that is none of their business!!!
I know I told you this just recently, but because you and I believe differently and passionately in a few minor areas, I am a better person. Because of your strength and integrity.
"... the message of the Gospel is perfect. It seems so conflicting just because we fully don't understand it yet. Same with science. Sometimes principles don't make sense to us at the time, but that doesn't mean they are indefinitely any less true."
LOVE it. I hope you find peace and you find a place where you can be all of YOU all of the time. That is so important to have and I know you will find it.
Thank you again ladies! As I write things like this I just always have remind myself not to do the same to others. I am hard on people. I expect a lot from others which can be good thing it can equally be a bad thing.
And Caty, you make me better too. Don't forget that. And I hope I find my physical place to just be me. Realistically it will never happen. When I hopefully leave for AZ, or anywhere else I go, I will be met with same problems. Some problems with the same faces and some problems with different faces. In AZ chances are I am going to get a lot more crap for my belief in God in my field. I know that. I just have to find a happy home within myself and the strength to press forwards!
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