Today has been such a glorious day. Perfectly sunny with a change of heart.
I have been somewhat a reclusive person for the last couple of years. I used to blame it on the unintentional isolation of marriage (with no fault of Derrick), birth control mind control etc. While those might be valid points for fading away they are not the root of the problem.
It finally took until today to see it. Only after confronting death, the possibility of death and having time to live could I internalize who I need to be; who I used to be.
I was so mad at my situation these last couple of months. I took off a semester of school for a job that in the end took several months to hire me. Since it took so long to be hired it meant I could not be in Civic Orchestra or save up for the things I had hoped. Not being in school and without a job I loathed not being structured and not working hard for these last few months. But today I realized becoming a bum was one of the best things that has ever happened to me.
I work so, so, so hard. That is a good thing, but I was substituting work for facing myself. It allowed me to ignore the possible rejection of others. It supported my idea that the only thing that would make me worthwhile in this life is being educated in a hard degree and being successful. It blinded me to the once painful reality that with my chronic illness I may not be here long.
I can be gone any day illness or not. And I have been quite okay with my mortality since I have never felt security in living a long life. I came to terms with it a long time ago. But sitting at Shara’s grave today thinking of her, Patrick, and now Lelagi who have all passed away, I realized how lucky I truly am. Since having always been ill since a very young girl I had made it a point to live my life to the fullest because it may be short. All my friends who have passed away did so suddenly and did not have the chance to come to terms and enjoy their short time in the same way I have. They never had the chance to prepare their loved ones for their passing like I have. How could have I never realized how absolutely blessed I am to have such an understanding of how vulnerable I truly am?
I reconnected with an old friend too. He is very similar to me in our likes and thought. But most notably he has recently discovered he has a disease that most likely will take him young in life. It is surreal talking to him about it sometimes. It is like looking in the mirror. I see the oxymoron of the comfort he feels and the feelings he endures knowing of his short time while dealing with all the physical and mental anguish. I feel empathy, but have little sadness for him. We are both so blessed. We can understand how truly mortal we are to be able to live.
I lost sight of that always being so busy and drowning the pain. While I remained at home and not interfacing with others for the first month or so of my “bum-dom” I was seething with anger and disappointment. But then something inside of me renewed after being so burnt out from pushing myself too hard so that I could ignore my problems and my fears of being close to others or not being successful. I started working out with a friend and we have been getting close. This led to me hanging out with others and inviting them more personally in my life. I then went out on a limb and got to know people I would have been hesitant with previously. I became more open with my husband. I have been more free and visiting others without thought. I am beginning to understand now; I don’t have to protect others from my mortality for what I thought was their benefit.
I haven’t been this happy for a long time. It is funny how the bad things in life often bring out the best things in life. And since I may not have as much life as those around me I hope I will always hold this revelation in my heart and never fear loving my life and those in it again. May that sunshine always be in my heart.
I have been somewhat a reclusive person for the last couple of years. I used to blame it on the unintentional isolation of marriage (with no fault of Derrick), birth control mind control etc. While those might be valid points for fading away they are not the root of the problem.
It finally took until today to see it. Only after confronting death, the possibility of death and having time to live could I internalize who I need to be; who I used to be.
I was so mad at my situation these last couple of months. I took off a semester of school for a job that in the end took several months to hire me. Since it took so long to be hired it meant I could not be in Civic Orchestra or save up for the things I had hoped. Not being in school and without a job I loathed not being structured and not working hard for these last few months. But today I realized becoming a bum was one of the best things that has ever happened to me.
I work so, so, so hard. That is a good thing, but I was substituting work for facing myself. It allowed me to ignore the possible rejection of others. It supported my idea that the only thing that would make me worthwhile in this life is being educated in a hard degree and being successful. It blinded me to the once painful reality that with my chronic illness I may not be here long.
I can be gone any day illness or not. And I have been quite okay with my mortality since I have never felt security in living a long life. I came to terms with it a long time ago. But sitting at Shara’s grave today thinking of her, Patrick, and now Lelagi who have all passed away, I realized how lucky I truly am. Since having always been ill since a very young girl I had made it a point to live my life to the fullest because it may be short. All my friends who have passed away did so suddenly and did not have the chance to come to terms and enjoy their short time in the same way I have. They never had the chance to prepare their loved ones for their passing like I have. How could have I never realized how absolutely blessed I am to have such an understanding of how vulnerable I truly am?
I reconnected with an old friend too. He is very similar to me in our likes and thought. But most notably he has recently discovered he has a disease that most likely will take him young in life. It is surreal talking to him about it sometimes. It is like looking in the mirror. I see the oxymoron of the comfort he feels and the feelings he endures knowing of his short time while dealing with all the physical and mental anguish. I feel empathy, but have little sadness for him. We are both so blessed. We can understand how truly mortal we are to be able to live.
I lost sight of that always being so busy and drowning the pain. While I remained at home and not interfacing with others for the first month or so of my “bum-dom” I was seething with anger and disappointment. But then something inside of me renewed after being so burnt out from pushing myself too hard so that I could ignore my problems and my fears of being close to others or not being successful. I started working out with a friend and we have been getting close. This led to me hanging out with others and inviting them more personally in my life. I then went out on a limb and got to know people I would have been hesitant with previously. I became more open with my husband. I have been more free and visiting others without thought. I am beginning to understand now; I don’t have to protect others from my mortality for what I thought was their benefit.
I haven’t been this happy for a long time. It is funny how the bad things in life often bring out the best things in life. And since I may not have as much life as those around me I hope I will always hold this revelation in my heart and never fear loving my life and those in it again. May that sunshine always be in my heart.
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